Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
