im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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