Banned from zoo.
Again?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
