sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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