I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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