Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
