woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
