How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
