You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
