i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i came on her dog
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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