I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just pynch a tree in the face
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
