im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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