On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap