I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS