my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.