I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
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I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap