Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
