I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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