I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
