oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
