I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
