Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
