Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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