That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
