Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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