I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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