Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
