you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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