it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The air was thick with penises
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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