You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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