Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.