He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.