What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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