Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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