I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
