Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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