so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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