A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
