my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
