he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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