Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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