Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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