I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
