she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
