atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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