I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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