remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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