He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm jealous of your bromance
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
