Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.