I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.