i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
