i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
His nipple licking is glorious
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