Got a toothbrush?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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