She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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