Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
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Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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