I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
