I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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