1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
