Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
