captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize