Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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